Resource · ~6 min read
Loneliness: how to feel less alone.
In short
Loneliness is the feeling that the closeness you need is missing, and it can happen even when you’re surrounded by people. It tends to keep itself going, because feeling lonely makes us withdraw and read others’ behaviour as rejection. It eases through small, regular contact, testing the thoughts that pull you inward, reaching out first and keeping existing ties alive, especially after a move.
Rose Markotic · Anxiety Skills Coach
Rose’s path here runs through more than a decade of clinical training and practice — graduate training at Santa Clara University and years inside Dr. David Burns’ TEAM-CBT group at Stanford, the home of the measurement-driven framework.
Why do we feel lonely?
Loneliness often follows a change: moving to a new city or country, coming home after years abroad, a breakup, children leaving, retirement or a new job. The old network no longer covers everyday life, and the new one isn’t built yet.
It also keeps itself going. When we feel lonely, we withdraw more easily and interpret other people’s silence as rejection. That’s why it helps to act in small ways before you feel ready.
How do you deal with loneliness?
1. Tell being alone from feeling lonely
Being alone is a situation; loneliness is the feeling that the closeness you need is missing. You can be alone and content, or lonely in a full room. Working out which kind of closeness you're missing makes it easier to look for it.
2. Catch the thoughts that pull you inward
Loneliness often brings thoughts like "nobody would want to see me" or "everyone already has their friends". Those are mind-reading and fortune-telling, not facts. When they show up, ask what the evidence is, for and against.
3. Small steps, repeated
You don't need a new best friend straight away. Start with small, regular contact: the same café, the same walking group, the same class every week. Closeness grows from repetition far more than from one big night out.
4. Reach out first
Many people wait to be invited and conclude nobody cares. Send one message a week to someone you'd like to be closer to. Most people are glad when someone gets in touch.
5. Keep long-distance ties alive
If you've moved, old friends and family are still part of your support. Regular, agreed calls, not just messages when you get round to it, keep those connections alive while you build new ones.
Loneliness after moving abroad
The first months somewhere new are often exciting; loneliness tends to arrive later, once the novelty fades and the acquaintances haven’t yet become friends. Coming home can bring the same feeling, because people have moved on and you’ve changed. Both are common and usually ease as routines and a few steady contacts build up. See homesickness and culture shock and building routines in a new country. If you’re an introvert, see being an introvert. If the loneliness follows the end of a relationship, see how to get over a breakup. For practical steps to meet people, see how to make friends as an adult.
When to see a licensed professional
If loneliness comes with low mood that lasts for weeks, a loss of interest in most things, strong anxiety, or thoughts of harming yourself, please see your GP or a licensed professional. Coaching teaches skills; it isn’t a substitute for clinical care. The crisis resources page lists 24-hour lines for the UK and across Europe.
Frequently asked
Common questions
- How do you deal with loneliness?
- Start with small, regular contact, such as the same group or class every week, and reach out first to someone you'd like to be closer to. Test thoughts like "nobody would want to see me", and keep existing relationships alive with regular, agreed calls.
- Can you be lonely even when you're not alone?
- Yes. Loneliness is about missing closeness, not about how many people are around you. Many people feel lonely in a relationship, at work or in a busy social life when nobody really knows them.
- Why do I feel lonely after moving abroad?
- Because your old network is behind you and the new one builds gradually. Loneliness often arrives a few months after the move, once the novelty fades. It usually eases as you build new routines and a few steady contacts.
- Can a coach help with loneliness?
- Yes, with practical steps and with testing the thoughts that pull you inward. Rose works online, in English, with people across the UK and Europe, including many who live abroad. The first 20-minute call is free.
Next step
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