Resource · ~6 min read
Getting over a breakup.
In short
Getting over a breakup takes time, because you’re losing a person, a routine and part of the future you’d pictured. What helps is letting it be a real loss, cutting back on checking their life, protecting your sleep and routine, leaning on people, catching the harsh stories you tell yourself, and slowly rebuilding a life that’s your own.
Rose Markotic · Anxiety Skills Coach
Rose’s path here runs through more than a decade of clinical training and practice — graduate training at Santa Clara University and years inside Dr. David Burns’ TEAM-CBT group at Stanford, the home of the measurement-driven framework.
Why do breakups hurt so much?
A relationship shapes your days, your plans and even how you see yourself. When it ends, all of that changes at once. It’s normal to feel grief, anger, relief and anxiety, sometimes in the same afternoon. If you moved abroad for the relationship, the loss can be even bigger, because the person was also your link to the place.
How do you get over a breakup?
1. Let it be a loss
A breakup is a real loss, even when it was the right decision. Allow yourself to feel sad, angry or relieved without telling yourself you should be over it already.
2. Reduce the checking
Looking at their social media, rereading messages and asking friends for news keep the wound open. Mute, archive or step back for a while; you can decide later what contact you want.
3. Protect your basics
Sleep, food, movement and daylight sound small, but a breakup knocks all of them. Keep a simple routine for the first few weeks, even if everything else feels upside down.
4. Lean on people
Tell a few trusted people what's happened and let them help. Isolation makes the replaying worse; connection gives your mind somewhere else to go.
5. Catch the stories
"I'll never find anyone" and "it was all my fault" are common after a breakup. They're predictions and blame, not facts. Write them down and look at the evidence.
6. Rebuild who you are on your own
Over time, reconnect with interests, friendships and plans that are yours. The question shifts from "why did this happen?" to "what do I want my life to look like now?"
Life after divorce
Divorce adds practical weight: housing, money, children, sometimes a country you live in because of the marriage. For legal and financial questions, see a family-law adviser. For the emotional side, the same steps apply, and so does the slower work of rebuilding identity. See loneliness and the midlife crisis. If the sadness lingers, see how to deal with sadness.
When a relationship wasn't safe
If the relationship involved control, threats or violence, your safety comes first. If you’re in danger, call 999 in the UK or 112 elsewhere in Europe. In the UK, the National Domestic Abuse Helpline is free and open 24 hours a day on 0808 2000 247.
When to see a licensed professional
If, weeks or months on, you still can’t function day to day, or the breakup comes with low mood that won’t lift or thoughts of harming yourself, please see your GP or a licensed professional. Coaching teaches skills; it isn’t a substitute for clinical care. The crisis resources page lists 24-hour lines for the UK and across Europe.
Frequently asked
Common questions
- How long does it take to get over a breakup?
- There's no fixed timeline. It depends on the length and depth of the relationship and what else is going on in your life. Most people find it comes in waves, easing gradually as routines and connections rebuild.
- How do I stop thinking about my ex?
- Reduce the triggers first: mute or archive their social media and step back from mutual updates. When the thoughts come, notice them without arguing, and turn your attention to something concrete. Fewer reminders mean fewer loops.
- Is it normal to feel relieved after a breakup?
- Yes. Relief, grief, guilt and anger often come together, especially if the relationship was difficult for a long time. Mixed feelings don't mean you made the wrong decision.
- Can a coach help after a breakup?
- Yes, with the transition: rebuilding routine, catching the harsh stories you tell yourself and working out what you want next. Rose works online, in English, across the UK and Europe. The first 20-minute call is free.
Next step
An ending, and a new beginning.
Rose works online, in English, across the UK and Europe. A free 20-minute call sorts whether it fits.
Book your Discovery CallFree first step
What kind of stuck are you?
Free 3-minute assessment. Names your kind of stuck, then a week of practice emails.
What kind of stuck are you? →