Resource · ~6 min read
Self-compassion.
In short
Self-compassion means treating yourself with the same kindness and fairness you’d offer a good friend when things go wrong. It isn’t self-pity or letting yourself off the hook; people who are kinder to themselves tend to bounce back and try again more readily than people who criticise themselves harshly. You build it with the friend test, by describing instead of labelling, and by asking what you need.
Rose Markotic · Anxiety Skills Coach
Rose’s path here runs through more than a decade of clinical training and practice — graduate training at Santa Clara University and years inside Dr. David Burns’ TEAM-CBT group at Stanford, the home of the measurement-driven framework.
What is self-compassion?
The researcher Kristin Neff describes self-compassion as having three parts:
- —Self-kindness. Treating yourself with warmth when things go wrong, instead of harsh judgement.
- —Common humanity. Remembering that struggling and making mistakes are part of being human, not proof that something is wrong with you.
- —Mindful awareness. Noticing painful feelings as they are, without pushing them away or being swept up in them.
Isn’t self-criticism what keeps me going?
Many high achievers worry that if they go easier on themselves, they’ll stop trying. In practice, harsh self-criticism tends to make failure feel more dangerous, which leads to avoidance, procrastination and burnout. Self-compassion keeps the standard but drops the attack, which makes it easier to look honestly at a mistake and try again. In CBT terms, it’s the double standard put to work: answering your inner critic as fairly as you’d answer a friend.
How do you practise self-compassion?
1. The friend test
When you're criticising yourself, ask what you'd say to a close friend in exactly the same situation. Write it down, then read it as if it were addressed to you.
2. Name the moment
In a hard moment, say to yourself something like: "This is really difficult right now." Acknowledging the pain is the first step to responding to it, rather than piling criticism on top.
3. Swap the label for a description
"I'm useless" is a label. "I missed the deadline because I took on too much" is a description, and a description points to something you can change.
4. Remember you're not the only one
When you feel alone in your struggle, remind yourself how many people feel the same. Shame tells you you're uniquely flawed; the truth is that this is ordinary.
5. Ask what you need
Instead of "what's wrong with me?", ask "what do I need right now?" Rest, a walk, a conversation, a plan for tomorrow. Self-compassion is practical, not just a feeling.
Self-compassion is especially useful alongside perfectionism, guilt and low confidence.
When to see a licensed professional
If self-criticism is constant and comes with low mood that lasts for weeks, feelings of worthlessness or thoughts of harming yourself, please see your GP or a licensed professional. Coaching teaches skills; it isn’t a substitute for clinical care. The crisis resources page lists 24-hour lines for the UK and across Europe.
Frequently asked
Common questions
- What is self-compassion?
- Self-compassion is treating yourself with the kindness and fairness you'd offer a good friend when things go wrong. The researcher Kristin Neff describes three parts: self-kindness, a sense of common humanity, and mindful awareness of painful feelings.
- Is self-compassion the same as self-pity?
- No. Self-pity tends to dwell on how unfair things are and can isolate you. Self-compassion acknowledges the pain, remembers that others struggle too, and turns towards what would help next.
- How do I stop being so hard on myself?
- Notice the critical voice, then ask what you'd say to a friend in the same situation and say that to yourself. Replace labels like "I'm useless" with descriptions of what happened, and ask what you need right now rather than what's wrong with you.
- Can a coach help with self-compassion?
- Yes. Answering the inner critic and practising a fairer inner voice suit coaching well, alongside CBT skills for the thoughts behind it. Rose works online, in English, across the UK and Europe. The first 20-minute call is free.
Next step
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