Resource · ~6 min read
Emotional intelligence.
In short
Emotional intelligence is the ability to recognise, understand and manage your own emotions, and to understand other people’s. It isn’t fixed: most of it is a set of skills you can practise. You improve it by naming feelings more precisely, pausing between a feeling and your reaction, checking the thought behind the feeling, listening to understand and saying calmly what you need.
Rose Markotic · Anxiety Skills Coach
Rose’s path here runs through more than a decade of clinical training and practice — graduate training at Santa Clara University and years inside Dr. David Burns’ TEAM-CBT group at Stanford, the home of the measurement-driven framework.
What is emotional intelligence?
The psychologists Peter Salovey and John Mayer described the idea in 1990, and Daniel Goleman brought it to a wide audience with his 1995 book. His popular model describes it in five parts:
- —Self-awareness. Noticing what you feel while it's happening, and why.
- —Self-regulation. Calming a strong feeling enough to choose how you respond.
- —Motivation. Staying pointed at what matters to you, even when it's hard.
- —Empathy. Understanding what other people feel, even when they don't say it.
- —Social skills. Talking things through, setting limits and handling disagreement without damaging the relationship.
Can you learn emotional intelligence?
Yes. People differ in temperament, but most parts of emotional intelligence are skills that improve with practice, like any other. Progress shows up in everyday moments: a conversation that doesn’t escalate, a message you didn’t send in anger, a decision made more calmly. For the in-the-moment skill of steadying strong feelings, see emotional regulation.
How to improve emotional intelligence
1. Name the feeling more precisely
Instead of "I feel bad", look for the exact word: disappointed, embarrassed, overwhelmed, resentful. The more precise the word, the easier it is to know what you need, and naming a feeling often softens it a little.
2. Find the gap between feeling and reaction
When a strong feeling hits, take a few breaths before you reply or send that message. In that gap you choose your response instead of it choosing you.
3. Check the thought behind the feeling
Feelings often follow thoughts: "they're ignoring me" brings anger, "I'll mess this up" brings fear. Ask what the evidence is for the thought, and whether there's another explanation.
4. Listen to understand
In your next difficult conversation, sum up what the other person said and how they seem to feel before you answer. People calm down when they feel understood, and you learn more than you would by guessing.
5. Say what you need, calmly
Instead of an accusation ("you never listen"), describe the situation, the feeling and the request: "When I'm interrupted, I feel unheard. Could you let me finish?" It protects both the relationship and you.
These skills draw on CBT. For the thinking traps behind many strong feelings, see cognitive distortions; for saying what you need, see assertiveness.
When to see a licensed professional
If your feelings regularly overwhelm you for weeks, or come with low mood, strong anxiety, panic attacks or thoughts of harming yourself, please see your GP or a licensed professional. Coaching teaches skills; it isn’t a substitute for clinical care. The crisis resources page lists 24-hour lines for the UK and across Europe.
Frequently asked
Common questions
- What is emotional intelligence?
- Emotional intelligence is the ability to recognise, understand and manage your own emotions and to understand other people's. It's usually described in five parts: self-awareness, self-regulation, motivation, empathy and social skills.
- How can I improve my emotional intelligence?
- Practise naming feelings more precisely, pause for a few breaths between a feeling and your reaction, check the thought behind the feeling, sum up what the other person said before replying, and say what you need calmly. Progress comes from repeating these in everyday situations.
- Is emotional intelligence more important than IQ?
- They're different things and both are useful. Emotional intelligence matters especially for relationships, leadership and handling pressure, and a large part of it can be deliberately practised.
- Can a coach help with emotional intelligence?
- Yes. Coaching is a good place to practise these skills on real situations from your own life. Rose works online, in English, across the UK and Europe. The first 20-minute call is free.
Next step
Feelings as information, not orders.
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