Resource · ~6 min read
Assertiveness.
In short
Assertiveness is the ability to say clearly and calmly what you think, feel and need, with respect for yourself and for other people. It sits between being passive, where you keep quiet about your needs, and aggressive, where you impose them. It’s learned through practice: “I” statements, a short no without over-explaining, buying time and testing the thoughts that hold you back.
Rose Markotic · Anxiety Skills Coach
Rose’s path here runs through more than a decade of clinical training and practice — graduate training at Santa Clara University and years inside Dr. David Burns’ TEAM-CBT group at Stanford, the home of the measurement-driven framework.
What is assertiveness?
It’s easiest to understand through the four ways people tend to communicate in a disagreement:
- —Passive. You keep quiet about what you need to avoid conflict, and resentment builds.
- —Aggressive. You say what you need at the other person's expense: accusations, a raised voice, threats.
- —Passive-aggressive. You agree on the surface, and the frustration comes out sideways: silence, sarcasm, lateness.
- —Assertive. You say clearly and calmly what you think and need, with respect for yourself and the other person.
Assertiveness isn’t selfishness or rudeness. It protects relationships, because people know where they stand with you and you’re not quietly building resentment.
How to be more assertive
1. Use "I" statements
Instead of "you never listen to me", try: "When I'm interrupted, I feel unheard. I'd like to finish my point." Describe the situation, the feeling and the request, without blame.
2. Say no without a long explanation
"Thanks for asking, but I can't this time." That's enough. The more you justify, the more room you leave for negotiation.
3. Buy yourself time
If you tend to say yes automatically, practise "Let me check and get back to you." It lets you decide calmly rather than under the pressure of the moment.
4. Repeat, don't escalate
If someone keeps pushing, calmly repeat the same message in different words rather than raising your voice or giving in. Consistency is more convincing than volume.
5. Test the thought that holds you back
Behind passivity there's often a thought like "if I say no, they'll be angry" or "my needs don't matter". Write it down and look at the evidence. Most people take a clear no far better than we fear.
If saying no feels impossible, see people pleasing; if it leaves you feeling guilty, see guilt.
When assertiveness isn’t enough
Assertive communication helps in most relationships, but it can’t fix one where someone controls, threatens or hurts you. That’s a question of safety, not communication. If you’re in danger, call 999 in the UK or 112 elsewhere in Europe. In the UK, the National Domestic Abuse Helpline is free and open 24 hours a day on 0808 2000 247.
When to see a licensed professional
If fear of conflict or of other people’s opinions has been disrupting your life for weeks, or comes with strong anxiety, low mood or thoughts of harming yourself, please see your GP or a licensed professional. Coaching teaches skills; it isn’t a substitute for clinical care. The crisis resources page lists 24-hour lines for the UK and across Europe.
Frequently asked
Common questions
- What is assertiveness?
- Assertiveness is the ability to express your opinions, feelings and needs clearly and calmly, with respect for yourself and others. It sits between being passive, where you keep quiet about your needs, and aggressive, where you impose them on others.
- How can I be more assertive?
- Use "I" statements that describe the situation, the feeling and the request; say no briefly without over-explaining; buy time when you're under pressure; and calmly repeat your message if someone keeps pushing.
- Is being assertive the same as being selfish?
- No. Selfishness ignores other people's needs; assertiveness respects both yours and theirs. Assertive people often have better relationships, because others know where they stand.
- Can a coach help with assertiveness?
- Yes. Coaching is a good place to rehearse assertive sentences and test the thoughts that hold you back. Rose works online, in English, across the UK and Europe. The first 20-minute call is free.
Next step
Clear, calm and respectful.
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