Resource · ~5 min read
How to relax.
In short
Relaxing is harder than it sounds because tension often stays in the body after the stress has passed: tight shoulders, shallow breathing, restlessness. It eases when you practise rather than wait for it: notice where you hold tension, lengthen your out-breath, tense and release your muscles, move your body, and check the thoughts that keep winding you up.
Rose Markotic · Anxiety Skills Coach
Rose’s path here runs through more than a decade of clinical training and practice — graduate training at Santa Clara University and years inside Dr. David Burns’ TEAM-CBT group at Stanford, the home of the measurement-driven framework.
How do you know you’re tense?
- —A clenched jaw, raised shoulders or a stiff neck
- —Shallow, quick breathing
- —Restlessness: struggling to sit still or unwind in the evening
- —Headaches or tiredness at the end of the day
- —Getting irritated by small things
Physical symptoms, such as chest pain, headaches or a racing heart, should always be checked by your GP first.
Why can’t I relax?
Your body responds to threat by getting ready for action: muscles tighten, breathing speeds up. That’s useful for a short time. When stress or worry is constant, the alarm never fully switches off, and tension becomes a habit you stop noticing. That’s why relaxing is a skill to practise, not something that simply happens when you stop.
Five ways to relax
1. Notice where you hold tension
A few times a day, pause and scan your body from forehead to feet. Where is it tight? Many people only notice tension once it becomes pain; the earlier you spot it, the easier it is to release.
2. Lengthen your out-breath
Breathe in for a count of four and out for six or seven, five to ten times. A longer out-breath signals to your body that there's no danger and brings the alarm down.
3. Tense, then let go
Clench your fists for five seconds, then release them completely and notice the difference. Repeat with your shoulders, face and legs. This exercise, progressive muscle relaxation, teaches your body what relaxed feels like.
4. Move
Tension is energy ready for action. A short walk, a stretch or a few minutes of any movement uses it up far better than trying to sit still and "just relax".
5. Look at what winds you up
If the tension keeps returning in the same situations, note them down. What goes through your mind in those moments? Behind physical tension there's often a thought or rule worth checking.
If you can’t switch off because of everything on your plate, see feeling overwhelmed. If tension keeps you awake, see anxiety and sleep.
When to see a licensed professional
If you have physical symptoms that worry you, if tension hasn’t eased for weeks, disrupts your sleep or work, or comes with panic attacks, low mood or thoughts of harming yourself, please see your GP or a licensed professional. Coaching teaches skills; it isn’t a substitute for clinical care. The crisis resources page lists 24-hour lines for the UK and across Europe.
Frequently asked
Common questions
- How can I relax quickly?
- Lengthen your out-breath: breathe in for four and out for six or seven, five to ten times. Then drop your shoulders and unclench your jaw. A short walk also uses up tension quickly.
- Why can't I relax even when I have time off?
- Because tension can become a habit your body keeps after the stress has passed. It often needs active practice, such as breathing, muscle relaxation and movement, rather than just stopping. Worries that keep running in the background play a part too.
- Is tension the same as anxiety?
- Not exactly, but they're closely linked. Tension is the physical side of stress and anxiety: tight muscles and shallow breathing. Anxiety also includes thoughts focused on what might happen. Similar skills help with both.
- Can a coach help me relax?
- Yes, with relaxation skills and with testing the thoughts that keep you wound up. Rose works online, in English, across the UK and Europe. Physical symptoms should always be checked by your GP first.
Next step
Relaxing can be learned.
Rose works online, in English, across the UK and Europe. A free 20-minute call sorts whether it fits.
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