Resource · ~7 min read
How to help someone with anxiety.
In short
To help someone with anxiety, listen before you advise, acknowledge how hard it feels without agreeing that the worst will happen, and ask what would actually help. Offer reassurance once rather than on repeat, gently support small steps instead of avoidance, and take some practical load off. Look after yourself too, and encourage professional help if it’s severe.
Rose Markotic · Anxiety Skills Coach
Rose’s path here runs through more than a decade of clinical training and practice — graduate training at Santa Clara University and years inside Dr. David Burns’ TEAM-CBT group at Stanford, the home of the measurement-driven framework.
Watching someone you love struggle with anxiety is hard, especially when your instinct to help seems to make no difference. This guide is for partners, friends and family. It covers what tends to help, what tends to backfire, and how to stay steady yourself.
What helps
Listen first, fix later. Ask what it's like for them and let them finish. Most people with anxiety have already heard the advice; feeling understood is what lowers the pressure.
Validate the feeling, not the fear. "That sounds really hard" acknowledges the feeling without agreeing that the catastrophe is coming. You can take someone's distress seriously without endorsing the story behind it.
Ask what helps. Some people want company, some want space, some want a distraction. Ask, "What would help right now?" and believe the answer.
Encourage small steps, not avoidance. It's natural to help someone avoid what scares them, but avoidance tends to make anxiety grow. Gently support small, manageable steps toward things they've been avoiding, at their pace.
Help with the practical load. Anxiety is exhausting. Taking one concrete task off their plate (a phone call, a form, a meal) can help more than any conversation.
What not to say or do
- —"Just calm down" or "don't worry about it": if they could, they would.
- —Endless reassurance. It soothes for minutes and then the doubt comes back stronger. Offer it once, warmly, then help them move on.
- —Taking over everything. Doing it all for them can quietly confirm they can't cope.
- —Making it about how their anxiety affects you, in the heat of the moment. Have that conversation later, when things are calm.
Why constant reassurance backfires
“Are you sure it’s fine?” asked for the tenth time is the anxiety talking, not a real question. Answering it every time brings relief for a few minutes, and teaches the brain that the worry needed answering, so it comes back. A kinder pattern: reassure once, then gently say something like “I’ve answered that; let’s do something else for a bit.” Agree this approach together at a calm moment, not mid-spiral.
Look after yourself too
Supporting someone with anxiety can wear you down. You’re allowed limits, time for yourself and your own support. You can care deeply and still not be on call around the clock. If you notice you’re anxious, resentful or exhausted, that’s a signal to share the load, not to try harder.
When to encourage professional help
Encourage them to see a GP or licensed professional if the anxiety is severe, getting worse, stopping them from working or going out, or comes with panic attacks or persistent low mood. If they talk about suicide or harming themselves, take it seriously: stay with them if you can, contact emergency services (112 across Europe, 999 in the UK) or a crisis line. The crisis resources page lists lines by country.
For everyday anxiety, practical skills help. If they want to start on their own, point them to how to stop overthinking.
Frequently asked
Common questions
- What should you not say to someone with anxiety?
- Avoid "just calm down", "don't worry about it" or "it's all in your head". They dismiss the feeling without helping. Instead, acknowledge it ("that sounds really hard") and ask what would help right now.
- How can I help someone having a panic attack?
- Stay calm and stay with them. Speak slowly, remind them it will pass, and breathe slowly alongside them, with a longer out-breath than in-breath. Don't crowd them. If it's their first episode, there's chest pain, or you're unsure whether it's panic, call emergency services (112 in Europe, 999 in the UK).
- How do I support a partner with anxiety?
- Listen before advising, ask what helps, reassure once rather than repeatedly, and encourage small steps instead of avoidance. Agree together, at a calm moment, how you'll handle anxious spirals. And keep your own limits and support: you can't pour from an empty cup.
- Can a coach help someone with anxiety?
- Yes, if the person is functioning but stretched and wants practical skills. Some partners and family members also use coaching to learn how to support without taking over. If the anxiety is severe or needs clinical care, a licensed professional is the right first step.
Next step
Support, for them or for you.
Rose works online, in English, across the UK and Europe. A free 20-minute call sorts whether coaching fits.
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